Hard Lessons

The Year of 29

As I round the proverbial bend to 29, I am tempted to do a bit of reflection. My twenties have been filled to the brim with action: college raucousness, my dream job (at the time), betrayal, losing my family to domestic violence, legal battle, travel, fulfilling lifelong dreams, romance, marriage, pregnancy, buying my first home. More than enough action for a lifetime. Or two. But, as I settle into 29, I have to stop and think about what it all means to me. I have to ponder how every heartache and happiness I have endured has led me to where I am today. And then I need to move on.

In the past, I spent the majority of my time attempting to be older, wiser, prettier, more popular. In short, I’ve spent my life desperately trying to be someone and something else. I grew up in L.A., and more specifically Calabasas, a place where image was everything and personality was not. I was persecuted by peers for being different, but the most stifling oppression I faced was being doled out internally. And by starting this blog, I am venturing to come clean and shed my biggest flaw: discontentedness.

As thirty tiptoes closer with each passing day, I know this is the time to work on myself. I am part of a family of three, perhaps one day four, but I am also an individual. An individual who catches herself living in the past, or worrying about the future. This happens so often that, sadly, I find myself missing out on what’s happening right in front of me. A brilliant soul shared a beautiful analogy with me the other day: “If the whole world was to end in one week, would you spend your week worrying about the little time you have left? Or would you revel in it, enjoy it?” I answered immediately, “I would savor every moment!” So she replied, “Then why waste your time worrying about your past or present now?” Touche, old friend, touché.

Thus, my biggest resolution for this new year (both 29 & 2014) is to, as ridiculously cliché as it sounds, live every moment as if it were my last. To immerse myself in the beauty of my daughter’s giggles, my husband’s unending passion for the Los Angeles Kings, valuable conversations with my girlfriends. I hope to shed the anxiety and worry that I present myself when I think about moments other than the ones I am currently living. I also resolve to take time for myself, for my mental and physical well-being.

And in this crazy life of motherhood and wifehood, I find very little time for myself. I haven’t gotten a haircut for a year, my glasses give me headaches because the prescription hasn’t been accurate for months, and one of my toenails is as long as the nail file itself. But a haircut and a pedicure are only surface fixes. The feeling I get as I write is better than any high. In the land of long hair (don’t care!), helpless glasses, and unattractive feet, I know I won’t find time to post weekly. Or maybe even monthly. Nonetheless, I will promise myself to write when I can. Because every wife-mommy-writer-educator, hell… person… needs a healthy outlet. And apparently sharing my thoughts and feelings with the cyber world is the perfect outlet for me.

Lastly, If you have taken the time to read this, I appreciate you greatly. I also want you to know I didn’t start this blog as means for preaching. Nor did I start it for attention. I decided to start this blog simply to commit. I am committing to taking that valuable me-time. I am committing to purging my thoughts in order to feel catharsis. I am also starting it because although some don’t feel the call to write, those same people may feel the call to read. Finally, I am committing myself to a year of introspection, contentedness, and thus, wholeness. And hopefully, this year is only the beginning.

  1. Laura Chesler

    December 21, 2013 at 6:41 pm

    This is so insightful, so beautifully written. I’ve always known you have depth, but this treasured glimpse into your soul confirms it. You are one of the most beautiful people I’ve ever met, inside and out, and I am so glad we met in this crazy world! PS. I think you look gorgeous in all your pictures–we don’t see the lack of a haircut, the outdated prescriptions or even the toes. We just see beautiful Amy. Love you.

  2. T. D. Davis

    December 22, 2013 at 2:27 am

    I look forward to checking in with you during the last year of your twenties. I too have so much on my plate with work and family that my first haircut this year was just last month, and I finally got new glasses the month before that. The toenails I keep under control because my feet are publicly seen several times a week. Still, I’m right there with you, though more than a decade ahead. Happy New Year and Merry Christmas, if you celebrate it.

  3. A.B. Chesler

    December 22, 2013 at 2:57 pm

    Thank you for taking the time to read my entry (as I’ve learned that time is verrry precious!). I appreciate the support and hearing that others are in the exact same boat as I am. I look forward to reading your blog as well. Thanks for sharing!!!

  4. Tricia

    December 23, 2013 at 5:54 am

    Beautifully said Amy…. and I am so proud of you for identifying that which will and does make you happiest. I honor that you will explore those things more this year and that you will take time to do that which adds depth to your life. I hope some of that time will be with me and sharing Charlie with Kyliana. Love you! Mama Tricia

  5. Smadar Knobler

    December 24, 2013 at 6:37 am

    Happy Birthday beautiful lady, I love you

    and I’ll baby sit for you real soon. I loved the blog. This could can be anther great story for Chicken Soup. Love, Suki

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